


I want to connect

by VanillaKiss



Category: BTOB
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst and Feels, Friends With Benefits, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Red String of Fate, ilsub as friends with benefits
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-07
Updated: 2019-09-07
Packaged: 2020-11-02 00:11:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,308
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20555678
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VanillaKiss/pseuds/VanillaKiss
Summary: It's something we're all yearning for. We're all want to be connected. It's like a handcuff tying us together. It's suffocating and it hurts. It's nothing nice. It's disgustingly red and you can't just cut it off. You can't go against fate no matter how hard you try.or a soulmate au in which Ilhoon can see the red string of fate





	I want to connect

Jung Ilhoon could see the red string of fate. 

When he noticed it first he was only six but when he asked other people what those red strings were, they couldn't answer. Many of them didn't even believe him. His grandmother was the one who told him about the red string of fate. At that time he couldn't grasp the meaning of it. It just sounded so surreal to be soulmates connected by the string. But as he grew up, he slowly understood it. When he was a teenager he just described it like this: no matter who you love, you'll end up with the person connected to you anyway. 

It wasn't that far from the truth. He first thought there were platonic soulmates as well but he never saw one. Even if they were only friends in the beginning, they ended up dating and marrying each other later. In the end, he just accepted it. The one being on the other end of your string is the person you'll be together until the end of your life. And you can't help but fall in love with them. 

Knowing this, he rejected everyone who wanted more between them. They weren't meant to be then why should they try and date? They would break up anyway, causing them pain which could have been prevented.

He always believed that this ability was to his advantage. A glance at his pinky when he met a new person or someone he knew and liked was enough to know if he should get closer to them. One could say it was cheating but he just saw it as a tool or more like an armor protecting him against heartbreaks. If he wanted to be honest, he was scared of getting too close to others. He knew that loving someone with whom he's not connected and he will never be connected would only hurt him. 

Sometimes he felt like the string was a spoiler and he never liked spoilers. When two people met he already knew even before them that they would fall for each other. He wanted love to be unexpected. Something that you don't know when will happen.

_ And it happened just like that. _

On a sunny Friday afternoon, a young man walked into the bakery and bought some of his famous cookies. Ilhoon, just like he always did, glanced at his pinky. There was nothing on it. As the customer was taking money out of his wallet, he looked at his pinky too. There was no string on it either. That meant, he still hadn't found his soulmate.

Well, it wasn’t like Ilhoon fell for him immediately. He didn’t want to be connected to him either. But there is this feeling, you know, when you meet someone and you just feel that sparkle. It's not necessarily love at first sight, but you just can feel that yeah, I can see myself with this person in the future. You just can feel the potential in your relationship with this stranger and you can see yourself fall in love with them. 

That was what Ilhoon felt. _That sparkle._ At first, he thought it was because he found his other half. But the string didn't want to form around their fingers. 

The man soon became a regular there. He always bought cookies and nothing else. Sometimes he and Ilhoon talked about small nothings like the weather, the news or how their days went. Ilhoon enjoyed Sungjae's company. _Yook Sungjae._ That was the man's name. He was twenty-five, a year younger than Ilhoon. He worked at a company and had been single for years. Ilhoon knew it because one day they even talked about their relationship status with other customers. It was raining outside. It was a sudden rain, no one was expecting it, so they decided to wait in the bakery until it stopped. There were five of them with Ilhoon. Three regulars, Sungjae, Namjoo and Bumseok, and a younger woman around Sungjae's and Ilhoon's age, Hana, who had been there only twice before. Bumseok mentioned his wife who just got discharged from the hospital. She broke his hand while working. Then Namjoo, an old woman asked if the others had someone. Hana just started going out with his childhood friend and Sungjae was single. Ilhoon looked at their fingers. He could see two red strings and three empty fingers. _Hana didn’t have her string._

The first time they met outside of the bakery was when Ilhoon was heading home from his friend’s place and Sungjae was going to a meeting.

"That's the first time I see you in casual clothes," Sungjae said, eyeing Ilhoon up and down. "I wasn't sure what to expect."

"Are you disappointed in what you're seeing now?" Ilhoon asked with a cocky smile.

"No, definitely not." Sungjae licked his lips.

"Well, I hope one day I can see you in casual clothes too," Ilhoon said. "You're always in suits." He cleared his throat. "Not like you look bad in a suit or something. I'm just curious about what kind of clothes you wear when you're not working."

"You can see it if you want to," Sungjae smiled, winking. Ilhoon blushed. 

They'd talked for a few more minutes and continued their ways in different directions. 

A few days later, Lee Changsub showed up at the bakery. He and Ilhoon had a pretty difficult relationship. One could say they were friends with benefits, but in reality, neither of them considered the other as a friend. It was just sex and sometimes small dates without feelings. It wasn't love at all, it was just convenient for them until neither of them had the string. 

Changsub was one of those few people who knew about Ilhoon's ability so he sometimes visited Ilhoon to ask if he could see his string. Well, that was one of the reasons. The other reason was sex. They wanted to feel loved since they both restrained themselves from dating and it was the best idea they could come up with.

_Two lonely souls spending time together._ That was the best way to describe their relationship. 

Changsub leaned against to counter, giving a small peck to Ilhoon. Only Namjoo was there, but she knew about their relationship. 

"Why are you here?" Ilhoon asked, annoyed. 

"Why are you like this?" Changsub giggled. "I wanted to see you."

"You could have texted me or something."

"I wanted to surprise you," he smiled and kissed Ilhoon on the lips. The other man let him do it, he even kissed back. 

At that exact moment, the door opened, and Sungjae came in. He blushed, seeing the two men kissing. He cleared his throat. 

"Ah, sorry," Ilhoon couldn't look Sungjae in the eye. 

"It's okay," Sungjae said, uncomfortable. 

Ilhoon handed the cookies to Sungjae and waited for the younger man to pay for them. He liked Sungjae, he was one of his nicest customers. 

Changsub looked at Ilhoon suspiciously. They had been friends or not really friends for almost six years now. They knew each other more than anyone else. That's why he couldn’t not notice the way Ilhoon looked at the other man or acted around him as soon as he entered the store.

"Thank you! Bye!" Sungjae left with Namjoo. 

Ilhoon sighed as he watched the other man leaving. It was rare for them not to talk. Sungjae usually asked him about his day then Ilhoon asked him the same. It was like a habit now. 

Changsub went to Ilhoon as soon as they were alone to kiss him properly. Ilhoon wrapped his arms around Changsub's neck. 

"The string?" 

"You still don't have it," Ilhoon said between kisses. 

"I meant him. Does he have it?" 

Ilhoon shook his head. 

"Do you like him?" 

"I don't know him that well."

"But you want to."

"I want to." It was the first time he admitted it. He hugged Changsub tightly. "Do you want to come over tonight?" 

"Of course," Changsub laughed and kissed Ilhoon's neck. "Can I wait here? Or am I just ruining the business?" 

"Go buy a coffee or something. You know when the store is closing." 

"Okay." He pulled out a key. "I'll wait at your place."

"The fuck, hyung. You still have the duplicate key?" Ilhoon pushed him away and walked back to his original place, waiting for the new customers. 

"I do," Changsub grinned, and kissed his cheek before leaving. 

Later that night, as Ilhoon was lying next to Changsub, he felt troubled. He had a crush on Sungjae, it was obvious. He wanted to know him better. He wanted to find something about him that he could hate before he would start developing deeper feelings for him. But Sungjae was just perfect. Too perfect and Ilhoon couldn't hate him no matter how hard he had tried. 

"Are you still awake?" Changsub asked, softly. 

"Say, hyung, have you ever wanted us to be connected by the red string?" 

"Us? No. Never." Seeing the look on Ilhoon's face, he added, "Why? You?" 

"Never," Ilhoon shook his head. 

"See? Neither of us wants it. Wouldn't it be funny if one day we'd suddenly be connected?" he laughed.

"I would cut it, eww," Ilhoon grimaced and kissed the man next to him. 

"Do you have someone you want to be connected with?" 

"No."

"I thought the guy from before…" 

"No, he's just a regular there. He's nice." He snuggled against Changsub. 

"Oh, I see." He pulled him closer. "Without feelings, I hope you still remember." 

"I do."

"Be careful, okay?" Changsub sighed, kissing Ilhoon's hair. 

Ilhoon bumped into Sungjae at the supermarket the next day. Literally. He was turning right with his shopping cart when it bumped against another shopping cart. 

"Ah, sorry," he looked at the other person. "Hey, it's you."

"Ilhoon hyung," Sungjae exclaimed. 

They started going side by side. 

"Sorry for yesterday," Ilhoon said. 

"No, it's okay. It really is." His smile was gentle and understanding. "Your boyfriend?"

"No, we're…" _sexfriends._ Ilhoon couldn't say it out loud. Not in front of Sungjae. He wanted to impress him, not disgust him. 

"Friends with benefits?" 

Ilhoon blushed. "Kind of? Though, we're not really friends. It's just convenient."

"I know what you're talking about," Sungjae said, looking at his shopping list. "I also had someone like that back then when I was still a university student. We were roommates. It was easier for both of us to just jerk each other off and make out when we felt like doing it so we didn't have to bother the other with bringing up other people." 

Ilhoon raised his eyebrows. He didn't think Sungjae would talk about this kind of things this easily. And in a place like this. He seemed more like a serious, shy type. "We also started it at that time. We weren't roommates but had classes together and yeah, things happened."

"And now you just can't let go?" 

"Well, not that we can't let go, but see, we're both single and it's better to stick to one partner than to play around with different people." Ilhoon didn't really know why they were discussing their experiences with sexfriends. 

"So if you'd find someone, would you stop?" 

"Yes, of course," he said without hesitation. 

"So it really is just sex, huh? Without feelings?" 

Ilhoon nodded. "Without feelings." He put the detergent into the shopping cart. "And you? You just stopped after graduation?" 

"Ah, no. We continued being sexfriends for four and five months after that."

"Have you ever thought about dating him?" 

"Honestly? Yes. I developed some feelings for him but I never told him. I thought it was better to stay as just friends and nothing more."

"Wasn't it awkward between the two of you after you stopped having sex?" 

"I don't think so?" He shrugged and opened his mouth to say something. Then closed it. But he took a deep breath and said what he had in mind. "You know, there was this guy I was supposed to go on a date next weekend but he dumped me. Well, we weren't really dating but almost?" He shook his head. "Anyway, we wanted to go to a concert, he even bought the tickets and then gave them to me, saying I deserved better." He forced out a laugh. "I was wondering if you'd like to come with me." 

"Me?" Ilhoon turned his head toward Sungjae. "But-" 

"Yeah, like, you know, as a thank you for baking the best cookies in the entire world?" 

Ilhoon chuckled. "Okay. I'm free, so I accept your invitation."

"Without feelings, huh?" Changsub was sitting on the ground, leaning against the bed. Ilhoon was lying on it, just woke up from an afternoon nap. 

"Without feelings." 

"I don't know, it sounds like a date to me," the man said, turning to Ilhoon to kiss him. 

"It's not a date." Ilhoon pulled back. 

Changsub laughed. "Are we going to stop now?" 

"What do you mean?" 

"Having sex."

Ilhoon stretched out his hands, stroking the older man's hair. "No? Or do you want to?" 

"No," he climbed on the bed and sat on Ilhoon. "But tell me when you want to stop, okay?" 

Ilhoon nodded and kissed the other man. 

  


The concert was good. It was a small band. They just started having performances a few months ago. Sungjae actually recognized one of them. He was his almost-date's friend. He was afraid they would meet with the guy but if he went there - and he probably did because his friend was performing - they missed each other. 

"How does he look like?" Ilhoon asked, hands in his pockets, walking next to Sungjae. 

"Who?”

"Your almost-date."

"Black hair, brown eyes, as tall as me. Why?"

"I don’t know, I was just curious." 

"Do you want to go somewhere again when you're free?" 

Ilhoon fell silent for a second. A part of him wanted to say yes because he kind of liked the other man, or at least he was interested in him. At first, he thought it was because he found his other half. But they weren’t connected. 

"Yeah, of course," he said, hesitantly. 

"Am I too pushy? Just tell me if I'm annoying or something. I'll stop."

"No, no, no! It's just," he started. "I have never been in a relationship in my entire life so…" he paused. "Wait, sorry, you never said it's like that. I mean you said we could meet but not that we could go on a date, sorry. You probably meant it as friends."

"Well, to be honest, I was hoping we could call it a date but if you don't want it, it's okay."

"Date, huh?" 

"You know what? Think about it," Sungjae smiled gently. 

Ilhoon hated how much he liked that smile. Ilhoon hated how he had to try and avoid everyone with whom he wasn't connected because he was afraid of getting hurt.

"Okay, thank you."

Not even four days had passed and Sungjae surprised Ilhoon with the question he feared the most. He just paid for his cookies when he looked at Ilhoon with red cheeks. 

"I was wondering if you're free this weekend," he said. 

Ilhoon immediately looked at their fingers but there was no red string on them. It just didn't make any sense. 

"Yes," he replied with a smile. Maybe if they'd spend more time together and get closer, the red string would appear. Or at least that was what he hoped.

"Would you like to drink a coffee with me? Or watch a movie?" he asked, avoiding Ilhoon's eyes. 

"Both sounds good!" 

"Then Saturday?" 

Ilhoon nodded. "So a movie or a coffee?" 

"In this order."

Saturday came, and they met again. They watched a movie, it wasn't as good as they expected it to be, but it was funny at least. Then they drank a coffee. 

Ilhoon glanced at their fingers many times but there were no signs of the red string of fate. 

"I'm not really interested in relationships," Ilhoon said, staring into the empty cup. 

They were talking about relationships. Sungjae said he had always been unlucky in love. He went out with both girls and boys before he finally accepted that he was gay. Since then he only had two relationships, neither of them lasted more than three months.

Ilhoon thought of telling him the reason which was the red string of fate; that cursed thread connecting random people without being considerate. 

"Why?" 

"I don't know. I'm waiting for that special person who was meant for me?" 

"Bullshit," Sungjae said, sipping his coffee. "If you don't date, how could you tell who that special person is?" 

_I can see,_ Ilhoon wanted to say, but he just shrugged. "I guess I'm afraid of getting hurt?" 

"I won't hurt you."

"You don't know that," he murmured to himself. Sungjae couldn't hear it. 

"Well, if you change your mind just tell me. I'm pretty interested in you."

Ilhoon couldn't really sleep that night. He didn't know what to do. Tell Sungjae that he can see the string and they don't have it, meaning their relationship will end sooner or later? Or just reject him straight-away? That would be the best. And if the red string would suddenly tie them together, they would be together anyway. So it's not like Ilhoon would lose anything if he would reject Sungjae. _But he just couldn't. _

"You'll just struggle in this relationship. More than him," Changsub said, sitting up. He stayed over that night. Ilhoon tried to send him home but Changsub knew he needed someone.

"How do you know?" Ilhoon asked, rolling over. Now he was facing Changsub. 

"Because he can't see it. And he probably doesn’t even know about the red string of fate. Or if he knows, they doesn't believe in it. For him, it'll be like another relationship that ends with a breakup. But for you…" He stroked the other man's hair. "You know it from the beginning. You know you two will never be together. No matter how hard you try."

"You'll never know that," Ilhoon said. It sounded more like he wanted to reassure himself and not Changsub. "We can have that connection."

"You can't. And you know that." 

Hearing it from another person hurt more than just thinking about it alone. Even though he knew Changsub was right, he just couldn't accept reality. 

"You'll never know," he repeated himself and closed his eyes. "Go home, I want to sleep."

"As you wish," Changsub sighed and got up. 

  
  


"What do you want to know?" Ilhoon asked, looking challenging into Sungjae's eyes. They had been in this strange relationship for two months now. They weren’t officially dating but they went on dates and even had sex. 

Ilhoon was insistent. He didn't want to date and fall in love. He knew it was already late. He had already fallen for Sungjae a long time ago and them not calling it dating didn’t mean it wasn’t love and a romantic relationship between them.

It was difficult. Even more difficult than what he had with Changsub. 

Sungjae stood up and sat in Ilhoon's lap, facing him. "You," he said, kissing the shorter man. "I want to know you." 

"But you already know me," Ilhoon pulled back. 

"That's not enough. I want to know more." Sungjae placed small kisses on his cheek.

Ilhoon felt guilty. He didn't want to go this far but at the same time, he couldn't resist. He loved this man. 

"Let's date already." Sungjae kissed him. 

"You're annoying." Ilhoon kissed back. 

_I want to connect_

Even if Ilhoon knew it would end badly, he started thinking it was okay. He still hoped that the string would appear if things are like this between them. If they forced fate to make them connected. 

_I want to be connected_

However, the red string didn't want to form around their fingers. 

Ilhoon just couldn't imagine them not to be connected. Then he had a thought. It was kind of desperate, but the more he thought about it, the more sense it made. He can see everyone else’s red string, except his own. So if his own was connecting him to Sungjae, that meant, he can't see Sungjae's either. 

"Fuck, harder," he closed his eyes. He didn't want to think about the future. "You can be rough," he said breathlessly, hands clenching. He thought maybe some physical pain would distract him from the pain in his chest.

Sungjae suddenly stopped. He pulled out of Ilhoon and sat up. 

"You're acting strange today."

Ilhoon avoided his eyes. "I'm okay. I'm just tired."

"You're lying."

"I am not."

"Yes, you are." He laid next to Ilhoon and kissed his forehead. "You can tell me."

"I don't want to lose you," Ilhoon said, and he felt like he was some over-possessive partner. "I love you."

Sungjae let out a laugh. "I love you too. That's why I want to date you." He kissed Ilhoon's cheeks first, then his nose, then the corner of his mouth before Ilhoon pulled him into a kiss. 

"Then let's date!" He was tired. He was so tired of holding back. He loved this man with his whole heart. "Can we continue?" he asked, kissing the younger man's neck. 

"Of course we can," Sungjae giggled and went back to his previous position. 

Ilhoon ran his fingers through Sungjae's damp hair and smiled at him. 

This relationship was hopeless, Ilhoon already knew. Still, he tried his best to make that red string form around their fingers. Because without it, this wouldn't be more than just a short relationship that was bound to end before they both find their soulmates. 

_Soulmates_

He was already sick of this bizarre concept. Why can’t people just love who they want? What if they love someone who isn't their soulmate? Should they just accept it and move on as if nothing had happened? Like they never loved that one person more than anyone else in this world. Yes, they will be a nice memory they can think back later. But won’t there be that dull ache in your heart every time you think back at that love and think what would have happened if...?

He loved Sungjae more than that weird concept told him he should. He knew if this relationship would end, this love would be something unforgettable for both of them.

The first time he fell in love, he was nine. It was his classmate, Park Woohyun. He was taller than him, smart, easy-going. It happened unexpectedly. Ilhoon was waiting for his mom to pick him up. He was staring at the sky, thinking about the series he would watch with his family before sleep when someone sat down next to him. 

That was the first time they talked. It wasn't any meaningful, only two nine-year-old boys talking about school and classmates. But still, there was something in Park Woohyun that made Ilhoon feel dizzy. His smile was so bright, his eyes deep dark, that little flush on his cheeks when they talked about the teachers adorable. 

But that was all. He didn't really understand what that feeling was and he didn't bother to do anything about it. He liked him from afar. 

He sometimes glanced at their fingers, kind of hoping that the red string of fate would appear on them but it never happened. The reason he wanted it wasn't that he liked the other boy that much, he just wanted to know what it was like to be connected.

However, not even a year later, he noticed the red string on Park Woohyun's pinky which tied him to their classmate, Kim Seohyun. 

He wasn't disappointed or jealous. And when he thought back, he wasn't really sure if that was really love or just some silly childhood crush. However, he was the first person Ilhoon was interested in. 

The next time Ilhoon fell in love, he was twelve. Well, just like with Park Woohyun, it was more like a crush, not something deep. It happened to be his neighbor, a highschooler, four years older than him. 

Kim Jinhyung. He was tall, his features weren't as soft and kind as Woohyun's but that could be because Woohyun was nine, still a child at that time and Jinhyung was sixteen with more mature features. 

Since his parents and Jinhyung's parents had a good relationship and they had dinner together every month, it wasn't that hard for Ilhoon to fall for him. 

One night, when they had dinner at Ilhoon's place, they went out to the balcony. They already finished eating, the adults were drinking wine, the men a little tipsy, the women chitchatting about their other neighbors. 

Despite the four year age gap, they still could talk about topics both of them liked. Jinhyung asked Ilhoon about school and future plans and he told him about his plans. And somehow, talking under the night sky, standing close to each other, these just made Ilhoon feel weird in his stomach._ Butterflies, huh?_ It was something Ilhoon never felt before but already knew about from the tv. 

He glanced at their fingers, waiting for the red string to tie them together, but it didn't happen. The next month, when they had dinner together again, Jinhyung came over with the string on his finger. 

At that time he didn't know people can't be platonic soulmates. This is why he always wondered why he wasn't connected to Kim Eunhee, his best friend in high school. He thought it could be because he was interested in boys but he wasn't really sure if gender and personal preferences mattered when it came to the string. 

Now, that he was lying in Sungjae's arms, staring at their fingers, realized that he never really wanted to be connected with anyone. Sure, he liked Park Woohyun and Kim Jinhyung, and he adored Eunhee, but he never felt any desire to be connected to them. He was okay with liking them from afar and just being best friends in Eunhee's case. 

_But with Sungjae… _

What he felt for Sungjae was something else. 

And he knew Sungjae felt the same. 

He felt that special sparkle with him. Something he had never felt before. This is why it didn't make sense for them not to be connected. They were a perfect combination. He just felt it.

_He desired that connection. _

He was struggling. He knew he should just enjoy what they had but knowing that they were never meant to be and connected by the red string didn't let him enjoy things. He wanted to be happy and only happy. But there was this constant sadness that never wanted to leave him. There was a time limit for them. That's why Ilhoon should have let himself enjoy this before it would be too late. But the fear that the day one of them gets the string is crawling closer was stronger than anything else. Every time they were together he just couldn't think of anything else. It was like a shadow. A storm getting closer and closer. 

_He wanted that connection._

_He didn’t want anything else in this world just to be connected to Sungjae._

"Any superpower you want?" Sungjae asked. 

They were on a date in a fancy restaurant, waiting for the food they had ordered. 

"I don't know. Flying?" he shrugged and glanced at their pinky. "You?" 

"I want to read mind," Sungjae replied. 

"Why?" 

"So I'd know what you're thinking when you have that sad look on your face."

"Sad look?" Ilhoon asked. 

"Yes. I can't really describe it but sometimes you look so sad and I just don't know what to do."

Ilhoon looked away. "Sorry. I didn't know," he murmured. "I'm not sad at all. I love you and you make me happy."

"I love you too," Sungjae said, voice so gentle it hurt Ilhoon. 

Being with Sungjae was equal to being in constant pain. Like a knife in his heart. Bleeding slowly. Feeling cold. 

_But he couldn't let go. _

He was clinging into this love with every strength he had. 

_Even though it's gonna hurt more and more_

_Even though it was hopeless to even try _

_Even though he knew they can never be together_

"I can't see it," Ilhoon said as Changsub entered the kitchen. 

"Huh?" 

"Your red string of fate."

"That's why you called me?" He stood in front of Ilhoon. He didn't greet him with a kiss like he used to. He respected Ilhoon's relationship with Sungjae and didn't want to cause any problems for them. 

Ilhoon hesitated then shook his head. 

"I've never thought you'd call me," Changsub said, sitting on the bed. Ilhoon had called him in the middle of the night because he needed someone to listen to him. "We haven't met since you told me to go home," he smirked. "When was it?" 

"Four months ago," Ilhoon whispered, an annoyed look on his face. "Sungjae and I started dating."

"I figured," Changsub said. "So you two are connected now?"

Ilhoon shook his head again. "I thought if we got closer, the red string would form. But there is nothing on it." He looked at his pinky with hateful eyes. "I want it. I want to be connected."

Changsub hugged his friend. "It's okay, baby." He kissed Ilhoon's hair. "Have you told him about it? That you can see the string."

"No," Ilhoon said, tearing up. "I don't know if I want to tell him. Maybe it's better for him not to know. I mean, we're happy now. But if I told him…" 

"I see. You're right. Maybe you should never tell him." He sighed. "But don't give up so easily, okay? It still can happen."

Ilhoon wiped off his tears. He was still hoping it'd happen. 

Changsub stayed with him the whole night. Ilhoon told him about his relationship and Changsub told him what he had been doing in the past months. It felt like going back in time when there were only the two of them. Without worries. Without feelings.

"Have you ever heard of the red string of fate?" Sungjae asked after a passionate lovemaking. Ilhoon nodded. "You know," he took Ilhoon's hand is his, "I believe we're connected by it."

Ilhoon wanted to cry. Sungjae wanted it, too. He felt the same as Ilhoon. He wanted to tell him. He wanted to tell Sungjae everything but it hurt too damn much. 

He knew that if he'd tell Sungjae, he'd only cause him pain. It was better if only one of them suffered the consequences of this knowledge.

He pulled Sungjae into a hug and kissed his bare shoulder. For the first time in his life, he wished he had never had the ability to see the red string. 

It didn’t feel like an advantage or an armor anymore. It was a curse, a dagger in Ilhoon’s heart, a reminder that he and Sungjae were never meant to be.

_I want him_

_I want to be by his side_

_Even if we're not connected by the red string of fate _

_I want to be with him_

_It doesn't matter if it's not something decided by fate_

_Even if it'll become suffocating to be with him _

_I love him_

It's something we're all yearning for. We're all want to be connected. It's like a handcuff tying us together. It's suffocating and it hurts. It's nothing nice. It's disgustingly red and you can't just cut it off. You can't go against fate no matter how hard you try. 

_I wish we had never met_

He thought as they said goodbye. 

  
  


The next day a new customer entered the bakery, with the red string of fate on his finger, connecting him to Sungjae. 

_I want to connect, but we're not meant to be_

**Author's Note:**

> talk to me on twitter: 6vanillakiss


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